I decided to stray away for a moment from what I normally blog about because I felt moved to write about an issue I’ve dealt with my entire life, and one that plagues the news more prevalently in the recent years. Bullying. Why are people bullied? I suspect that their abusers-no matter what age, see a shadow side of themselves that they don’t like and feel the need to put their pain or discomfort onto another. I read something in a crystal oracle deck of mine that really struck a cord. It said that when we see a trait within another that we like or dislike, it is because we see that trait in ourselves, or else we could not have recognized it in the first place. We each mirror one another. We are all judgmental. It’s our society. But before you judge/harass/gossip behind another’s back, take a step back for a moment and ask yourself “why do I feel the need to do this?” “What has this person done to me?” Also look at the way you joke around with people. Your humor could be hilarious to yourself, but if it hits a nerve with the other person, don’t tell them to “lighten up” and find fault with them for not agreeing with you. Be respectful.
In my past and present experiences, most of my bullies went ahead unprovoked.I have always felt like an outsider, no matter where I was. I think it started for me when I was 5. I had to join my kindergarten class late because of major eye surgery. Kids are mean, and it didn’t help that I had to spend my first couple weeks of school with an eye patch. I had a couple kids step up and make me feel comfortable and welcome me. Once I got settled, and pretty much up until 7th grade I did OK due to the fact I was in private school and there were only 25-30 kids in my grade.
It was senior year of high school when things got the worst. I was in public school at this time where there were about 600 kids in my grade now, yet there was still that “popular clique.” It consisted of girls who at one point or another I had even been good friends with. I was never in a clique. I always wanted to be friends with everyone, which I think upset those of my friends that belonged to a specific group. But these girls made it a point that they were out to get you, one in particular. Unfortunately I was one of their “victims.” Their hatred for me I still have yet to understand. I’m curious as to what their insecurities were. Not only was I trying to survive HS, but during my junior-senior year, I was mourning the losses of not just 1 person, but 5 people. My sadness and loneliness was so overwhelming, that during prom weekend, after a turbulent situation with a couple different girls, I had someone drive me home at 3am and for the first time contemplated suicide. This is the first time I’ve ever said this to the point. I think the only reason I didn’t go through with it was because I wanted to go to college and start over, away from all these terrible people. Little did I know freshman year was going to be like hell on earth with the roommate situation I had to deal with. Now don’t get me wrong, I had some great friends but I guess at times I was just too blind to see that.
I did pretty well throughout college and met great friends who I’m lucky to still have in my life. I’m not going to go into how I feel about sororities because we’d be here all day. I rushed but it wasn’t for me. It was cliqueness all over again. The sorority system is so brutal and takes such a toll on a girl’s self-esteem. I remember my sophomore or junior year of college, there was a new freshman who committed suicide her second week, the last straw for her being that she was not accepted into the sorority she wanted.
Anyway, my issues with girls and bullying have come back recently, starting with an experience that I previously thought was great and somewhat life-changing. It also opened my eyes to how I value myself in relation to guys I date. While I’ve never been physically bullied, emotional bullying is just as bad, if not worse. If you’ve been in many experiences that have led you to not think highly of yourself, you’re going to manifest people in your life who are going to treat you the same. The same people who I thought treated me like family and with open arms, almost immediately shunned me with no explanation, when I needed them the most. The loyalties here are superficial at best, and have showed me who liked me and respected me from the start. To this day there are those who I continue to let disrespect me because I’m intimidated by them, and I’m afraid if I’m honest and tell them I how I feel, they’ll tell me it’s my problem and that I’ll lose them. Again, it’s opened my eyes to how insecure they must be and the issues of jealousy they need to work out themselves. And the question is, why do I care that these couple people don’t like me? I shouldn’t, because not everyone in life is going to like you. Now I can stoop to their level and be mean, vicious, manipulating, and conniving, but that’s not who I am. I would just be messing around with my own karma. It’s also a bit hard to be friends with those who are friends with these bullies, know what they’ve done and who they really are, but still stick by their side. But hey, such is life.
On another note, I’ve always had trouble accepting compliments. I get nervous and subconsciously feel like I don’t deserve them. One time, a good friend of mine, and actually a guy I really liked said I had beautiful eyes. I said thank you but then said something like “they’re killing me today, I think it must be allergies.” Many times when someone complimented me I always felt the need to find something to compliment them back. I learned recently that it’s perfectly OK to just smile and say thank you. It’s harder than it sounds.
But back to the issue at hand, I love that saying, “Success is the best form of revenge.” These experiences have helped shape me into a stronger person, and helped me set the bar higher for myself and what I want to accomplish. I’ve learned what karma is all about, and how to refocus my energy. I’m more determined than ever to live the life I’ve always dreamed of and to prove not only to myself, but to everyone else who’s ever doubted my capabilities and who I am that you should never doubt. Life is not about situations and circumstances, but how you react to them. If someone doesn’t like you without merit or reason, and turns others against you, so be it. It’s their demons they need to work out. Love yourself and the pieces fall into place. Everyone’s unique and has quirks but the people who love those aspects about are the ones you really want to keep around. So thank you to my friends and family for loving my shadow sides, my quirks, and me.
My final project at MUD. My theme/topic was “Superhero.”
